From my earliest memories, I have had a feeling of been unloved and not wanted. While writing this book, God chose to bring back the memories; I thought they were buried forever. He reminded me that is how I once felt. God is awesome in that regard. Only He can bring back such horrific things, but not the pain and sorrow attached to it.
The ‘D’ word, as it has been called, is not an easy one for many to talk about and MOST especially me. When you add the fact, I am so private and want to keep it to myself. It becomes clearer, that trying to open up about something and being so private is a contradiction in terms. Depression and private are not two words that go well together, yet they are what made up me, for so very long to varying degrees.
The stigma accompanying it is something I am well familiar with; I used to think I could never be like ‘that’ or I would never let something bother me to that degree. I now found myself in that boat; how could anyone get so sick? I was now in a place I didn’t want to be and could not as hard as I would try to get out; there was no escape.
It is my hope that I will give you a bit of a glimpse of what it is truly like. It was another of my many secrets. It was too painful to admit I had a problem and all the issues connected to it.
It is normal to be a bit low from time to time, the loss of a job, and difficulties in a marriage/relationship, financial issues, or especially the loss of a loved one. My problem was it had been so long since I had a real taste of what normal was it was hard to recall. I had to depend on others as a reference.
But the place we are heading, the place I called home for so many years is FAR from your everyday garden variety normal. For me it all began to unravel in November 1979. My Aunt Marion whom I dearly loved was ill; she had originally been misdiagnosed with depression and being treated as such. That was laughable in and of it’s self. We knew the doctors were wrong, but didn’t know what was wrong with her.
As they would later discover, she was NOT depressed. But what was to follow none of us were prepared for. The dreaded word – CANCER. She had Lung Cancer, and never smoked a day in her life.
She had the Holy Ghost and raised all her children to love God. She was faithful to Him right up to the end. Shortly before she passed away she requested prayer for her children. She knew she would not be around much longer, and she would need prayer warriors.
She asked several ladies in the church to please keep them in their prayers. She was doing all she could, for the time would soon come and she would no longer be able to lift them up herself any longer. It was not until about a year ago that her grandchild, who was not even born back then, heard someone in the church requesting prayer for the Munsey children on her behalf. The granddaughter was born more than 9 years after her Grandmother passed away. She had wanted them lifted up in prayer long after she was gone. That was the United Pentecostal Church of Normangee, TX and prayers are still going up for her children today. Yes, I now too pray for them daily since receiving the Holy Ghost.
When I was little, I would go and spend the night with Aunt Marion. In the evening, after she put all her children to bed she would allow me to stay up with her. Yes, as you might imagine I felt special. I was the oldest of all the children, and reveled in the feeling that I mattered to her. She made all of us feel like we were special. She took the time to spend with me especially helping her on craft projects. To this day those are special memories, and I cherish them dearly.
She was to survive 11 months from her original misdiagnosis, passing away on October 12, 1980. She may have been my Aunt, but she was more like my mother. We had that special bond; she had six children. In my heart, she was my mother too. I never wanted or tried to compete for her love with her children, but she had enough love to go around and even found some extra for me. I had a thirteen month old baby girl, Diana, that needed me. I had to find a way to be there for her.
My next blow was to come with my baby brother, Jimmy, in April 1983. He had a motorcycle accident and fifteen days later, on May 3, 1983, he too was now gone. I loved all my siblings, and felt like he was my baby also. I helped take care of him when he was little. Now huge chunks of my heart were being ripped out. After losing Jimmy, I went into a deep depression. That was 28 years ago. Since I was the oldest, I did a lot of being a little mother. My siblings were, in my heart my children. So while he was my brother, he was also my baby.
I DIDN’T want to live. I had prayed for God to take me INSTEAD, and I prayed that prayer so many countless times. But He STILL took him. I have NEVER been able to see the good in that, but I know God had His hand in it ALL! And OVER the many years, in all my pain and suffering, God still cared about me. He watched over and protected and was still there. I was desperately still trying to focus on Diana, she was now 3 ½ and I had to make it work for her sake. It felt like my world was coming to an end, yet little did I know what was to come.
I was able to climb partly out of ‘this’ hole I had fallen in and for years, I focused on my job and daughter. During this brief period, I was able to function and was at the top of my game. Life seemed sweeter and I had the tiger by the tail. There was nothing I could not do; Yes, and even for a time I thought I was invincible.
My marriage to Diana’s father fell apart; of course, it did. It was built on a house of cards. Just a matter of time before it went down the tubes. He was physically abusive and after having lived with that as a child, I thought I was home free when I married. It would take me twelve years and only then by the threat of death, finally to have the courage to get out.
When the one you love tells you “if I can’t have you; nobody will”, I realized I HAD to make a change. I did not want a divorce, at the same time I did not want Diana left without a mother because I stayed in a bad relationship too long. It was time for me to leave. I now had one more thing that I could add to my long list of failures. The LORD led me to my soul mate Bill three years later.
The final blow was when my sister, Tammy, was sick and could not eat; she was diagnosed with cancer in May 2002. The doctors found a tumor the size of a grapefruit, the prognosis grim.
Bill and I both worked so much; I was putting in 80 hours per week and did not know how to slow down. It was nothing for me to work 16 hours at the office. Other times I would work all day at the office then pack up and work from the house another 7 – 8 hours and call it a day between 2 – 3 a.m. everyday. The corporate grind as it is known. Once again, I am not proud, I was a workaholic, I wanted off the merry go round and I could not find a way to stop the spinning.
Bill worked his 50 hours a week or so and he lent a lot of support my way, and I sure did appreciate it. I question how he could handle all the hours I put in? I would have blown a gasket had I been him. But not Bill, he was always there to support me and never complained about anything.
He even picked up the slack in the cooking too. It was to take sometime before I was able to take back the cooking again. Between working too much and finally then the depression I just did not care anymore, about anything.
That is the epitome of obsessed. I was a mess and could not even see it. satan had me right where he wanted me.
I faced a choice regarding my job. I had a stable job with excellent pay, having been with the company many years. I suddenly found I was unable to work; I could not concentrate. All I could think about was Tammy. It consumed my every thought. My job became unbearable and I left in June 2002, thus allowing me to spend a great deal of time with her. It was a decision I never regretted, however it was the last real job I was ever able to hold.
The doctors had given her 6 months, but it was not to be, she passed away in the early morning hours, August 31, 2002. We had just 3 months to come to grips with Tammy’s illness and unfortunate demise now as well.
The only time I ever prayed to God while backslidden was when my brother, Jimmy had his accident in 1983, then for my sister, Tammy later with her cancer in 2002. I simply saw it, as I had no right to bother God. Each time my prayer was the same, I ask God to “please take me and leave them”. In Jimmy’s case, he was just 19, with his entire life ahead of him. He had just graduated high school and had the potential for a wonderful life ahead with a wife and children. I wanted him to experience a long full life; it was not to be.
With Tammy, she had a husband and three children ages 13, 11 and 10 that needed her. How could they survive without her? Sure, they would have their father, but it’s not the same without both parents. I had never had to experience the loss of a parent and certainly didn’t want that for any of her children. I wanted their lives to be full of wonderful memories for years to come; it was not to be either. Again, I prayed for God to take me INSTEAD. “Please God, let her stay and raise her children. They need her and she loves them so.” But again it was not to be. Just the pain, to talk about them both, after all these years, is so INCREDIABLE. I love and miss them both, they were my babies!
I didn’t ask God to take me because I was such a good person; it was the opposite. I just wanted them to have more out of life, and I was a complete waste. I knew where I was headed, and I was willing to gladly trade places with them.
I was like a spinning top, this was the final blow and now it was just a matter of time before my world would come crashing down around me. I thought I was putting on a brave face, but I was only fooling myself. I was unaware of how much was seeping out and that everyone else was seeing pretty much all I was trying to hide.
God had used Tammy and together had prepared me for this by putting my precious Shih Tzu’s in my life, as I would later find out.
Spending
My spending at first started like anything else in life, you need one. That was great, BUT now I would find myself wanting another. There was no explanation; Jewelry, clothing, shoes, handbags, dishes, and many other collections that I could go on with.
I just told myself I really needed it, so it was okay. It simply did not matter what IT was, I NEEDED IT! And with that I was pulled into this vortex, I could not control what I bought or how much of it. No one needs in the kind of excess I am talking and I DO mean excess! If one was good, then I figured 50, 100, or 200 was even better. Well let’s just say I did not know where or how to stop. If I liked it then I kept on buying. There seemed to be no end. I had a need, I could not explain. The desire to have was so extremely destructive, I could no longer tell myself a limit and live within it. I was buying just to buy. To the point of not being able to open all of what I did have.
Try as I may, I just kept on spending. I would tell Bill I would not buy another thing, but then I was right back at it, the second I would see something I had to have it. There was no stopping me, I was just like a destructive junkie with drugs, the difference was mine was money and I was spending it. I wanted desperately to stop the madness, after I had done sufficient damage God stepped in.
God put the kibosh to this one as well. Too bad it was not before I did all the damages I did. Then again it would have never worked. I needed to hit rock bottom before God could help me out of the pig slop I had been wallowing in for so long. Another of God’s miracles He took it all way.
Lynn recorded miracle on spending stopped: 
Lust for more
“He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity. When goods increase, they are increased that eat them: and what good is there to the owners thereof, saving the beholding of them with their eyes?” Ecclesiastes 5:10-11
Recluse
I found that somewhere along the way I became a recluse. I was paralyzed in that I could not venture out of the house. The pain was so great. There were many times I would not step foot out of the house for close to six months at a time. The secrets were becoming unbearable. If I was able to check the mail, or water the plants on a given day, I felt such a tremendous feeling of accomplishment. As if, I had actually done something special. Can you imagine that?
Diana, and Bill, would try to take me out to go shopping and I didn’t care. How can someone be in a state that they don’t want to do one of their favorite things? But that is exactly where I found myself. Or they would try and take me out for lunch and all I could talk about was I want to go home. They never said a word but I am sure I must have pushed them both to their limits. I was not happy unless I was home, where I felt safe. The world was cold and frightening! satan had me bound so tight and I never saw it, he was not stopping, he was tormenting me continually.
I was a huge disappointment even to Diana, she never said a word, but I knew. I could no longer keep my two-year-old grandson, Dylan, as I feared for his safety while he was under my care. That baby brought me so much joy and love, now I was forced into having to let him go. My heart broke; he was one of my last touches with the world.
That is an upsetting thing to say, I simply was not capable of watching him. I had to tell her I could not keep him, so I told her I felt she was taking advantage of me. Since, that was clearly NOT true, I just couldn’t face the fact that all I wanted to do was sleep, how could I tell her that?
I had also lost my ability to communicate. Having closed everyone out and effectively reducing my world down to a select few, I could not bare to answer the phone. It brought its own pain. A simple phone call became unbearable. I had nothing to say, because I went no where and had done nothing in so long. What was there to talk about after you say Hello? The silence would be horrible. The caller, generally someone from my family, did not understand it had nothing to do with them. I was the one that was ill and suffering. I was so messed up and it kept getting worse.
My world was spiraling out of control; I was headed down. I did not know what to do; frankly, until Diana mentioned she was concerned about me I didn’t put it all together. How could one possibly get in this state? The answer is simple now; satan seeks and desires to destroy.
satan destroys
“Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart: Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.” Ephesians 4:18-19
“And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.” Revelation 12:7-8
“ Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world” I Peter 5:6-9
I suddenly snapped; the pain was so great I reached for the scissors and began to chop off all my hair; I had never done anything like that in my life before. What was going on; what was wrong with me? People don’t behave in that manner. I was acting as if I were some kind of lunatic; there was no way I could make sense out of what I had done. I did not ever cut my hair at all!
Now I am finding for no good reason I am picking up the scissors and not just cutting a few hairs but all the hair almost completely off. I had always paid large sums of money to have my hair done at the salon. That was the one indulgence I had left, now with no hair I would not be going there for sometime. I can’t begin to say what my problem was, just that I obliviously had one.
To go from paying $180.00 for a cut and highlight to the disaster I had just made was all the more sickening. What came over me, how could I flip and suddenly go berserk? I don’t know but when I finally did stop, I was to find myself with about 1 ½ - 2 inches of hair left and it was a true hatchet job.
I was so ashamed of what I had done. Even if I wanted to, now I could go nowhere until my hair was to grow back again. All I kept doing was making matters worse! Normal people don’t behave in this fashion. My problem was I didn’t know I wasn’t normal.
Men & Woman’s hair
“Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.” I Corinthians 11:14-15
Depression is a nasty thing and just reaching out for help can prove to be too much, I should know I couldn’t. I tried to convince myself that I was a little down; it was no big deal. I had said it many times, that I would soon be okay. I was only fooling myself and I did so much of that too.
In my case as with most, I was not able to ask for help, and wanted desperately for everything to be normal. I fought tooth and nail and still could not cope. I didn’t want anyone to know the depths of how low I was.
I had never been a person to feel sorry for myself. Now I found myself right in that boat playing the pity party. There is so much more to the world than just me; but I could not shake it. The deeper the depression became, the more difficult it was to function. I had gotten to a point where I couldn’t make anything make sense. A rational person can use logic; one suffering severe depression loses that ability and doesn’t realize it. Their only focus is to stop the pain.
How could I just think I was just a little down? satan was determined to get rid of me, according to him I had been on this earth long enough. I am just thankful God has more power and overrides the nasty one (satan). The pills could now do nothing for me. It was just a matter of time.
As to the depression, so many times I wanted to end my life, because the pain was so severe. I have been there and I know how you can feel like that is the only option, just to STOP the PAIN! You just want the pain to stop …. And yet it continues; I was in a vicious circle and spiraling down out of control. There is NO escape, because it is IN you, you are part of the problem.
Evils of depression
“Wherefore the king said unto me, Why is thy countenance sad, seeing thou art not sick? this is nothing else but sorrow of heart. Then I was very sore afraid,” Nehemiah 2:2
“Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?” Job 10:10
“Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul. I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God. They that hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of mine head: they that would destroy me, being mine enemies wrongfully, are mighty: then I restored that which I took not away. O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee.” Psalms 69:1-5
I was in the Black pit of despair; one by one, I began to tell each of my loved ones goodbye in my mind. I would never allow anyone to know what I was planning. To do so would mean they could try to stop me, and I simply could not allow that to happen. The pain was unbearable! There was no escaping it! I liken it to a cancer, and I was completely eaten up by it. My body ravaged; the pain off the charts. You desperately long for the agony to stop; day after day, there is no relief in sight.
I had gone through my list of loved ones, that I loved and cared about and why they were better off without me in their life. I had worked my way down to Diana, (son-in-law) Kevin and (grandsons) Kyle and Dylan. Kaydence had not been born yet. Diana had her own life and was so busy with taking care of her family I would not be putting a strain on her any longer. She did not need to worry about anything else in her life, most especially me. I had no desire to be a burden to those I held so dear. Kevin was the strength for Diana should she need someone to lean on. He loves her and would do his best by her. The boys would not really even be able to remember me and I was too doing them a tremendous favor.
I now had one last goodbye, my precious husband, Bill, who had been with me all those years. I had put him through so much; not meaning to; the pain and anguish controlled and consumed me.
I had wrecked, ruined and destroyed so much. I would now be out of his life and he would no longer have to worry about me. All I could think was he would now be free. I had been a severe burden; this was my way to give back to him for all he had done for me. He might miss me for a few days, but in the end, I felt I was doing him a huge favor too, he was my top priority and I loved him so much that was the least I could do. Finally, in my mind I had told him goodbye. I was now ready to go.
Sitting there, I looked down ‘thinking’ I was telling my babies good bye, and starring back up at me were three tiny little precious faces, Knight, Angel, and Diva. At that moment that is when the impact of what God had used Tammy for, came into play. What I didn’t know and could have never understood was that there were those that I could not say goodbye to, my precious tiny gifts from God; Knight, Angel, and Diva, my Shih Tzu’s. Starring into their tiny little faces, I simply could not pull the trigger. They needed me; God in all His infinite wisdom knew they were my Achilles heel.
It was only when writing this book God gave me this thought. I now think back to ‘that’ day, and just the knowledge that satan had to have been very confused, makes me ECSTATIC! He was certain my time was up and I would be just another of his evil wicked statistics. One more that he would have destroyed. INSTEAD, God foiled his plans and I can not sing HIS PRAISES enough!
Lynn suicide miracle recording
When you begin to think that, someone is better off without you and there is no other way out, look up; for He cares for you. This is another of the many lessons God has taught me.
Cares for you
“But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7
“But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
One of the many beauties of God is satan only goes by what we give him in words and actions. He did not know and could never understand what was going on inside my head ‘that’ dreadful day. That was between God and I, and neither of us were talking. God also left me with NO point of reference by which to be able to recall ‘that’ day. I am exceedingly thankful that He chose to never let me know the date. It may seem a trivial thing to you, but to me … it is anything but!
I stand as a testament to the powers of the ALL mighty God. There is none like Him! And what He has done for me He will do for you and more.
That is exactly what my god did FOR ME!
Through it all, God has been there. All those years I wasted, He was still there for me. I definitely know it now! I would not have survived and been able to pull out in the final second had God not intervened in my life. I would be among the statistics with over 39,518 (CDC’s website 2014) every year to commit suicide annually.
I never understood the evils of depression; I thought everyone was depressed to varying degrees; it was a normal part of life. I am NOT talking about the low that is the norm on rare occasions but when you are on medication it should be a red flag that something is not right. Beware: You are in satan’s grip.
What I now have is a crystal clear understanding from God that it is a diabolical act by satan to destroy us. My points of reference were completely obliterated, as it had been many years since I knew what a real normal person was. I most assuredly was not.
From that day on when I was suffering and in pain I would clutch my babies in my arms and hold them ever so tightly, the tears flowed but I did not ever pull the weapon out again. It has stayed put! Except to just take a look and make sure it was still there. It brought a level of comfort to me as bizarre as it sounds. My reason stemmed from the fact that Diana and Bill threatened to take it away from me. I told them they better not and if they did that would not stop me. To hear those words even now, I can’t believe I was ‘that’ sick.
The power of God is unreachable and boundless! God’s powers know no limit!
Boundless
“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.” Ephesians 6:10
“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
satan could not lure me with gambling, drugs, alcohol, smoking, partying or sex. Those I could and did resist. However, as with many, we fail to realize is that just the simple fact of being down and low for longer than a short time is of satan. I call it one of his tools of last resort. There are many weapons in his arsenal and it does take longer to work, but is extremely destructive. Once he has your mind, the grip is hard to get out of.
For me depression is like Blood Pressure. It is a silent killer. It creeps up on you and you never see it coming. Then one day it is too late!
It is so easy to mask depression and try to cover it over, but I can tell you with first hand knowledge it is deadly. Not only are others sometimes unaware of what is happening to you fully, you rarely are not even aware yourself of just how much danger you are truly in. I most certainly was not.
No one except a firefighter, I would venture to say, would walk into a burning building, and even he would do so with extreme caution, much training, and full gear. But that is exactly what a person in the midst of severe depression is doing, the only difference is they rarely have any true knowledge of what is happening and don’t fully understand themselves. If they were well, they would never put themselves in harms way. Our Granddaughter Kaydence has a beautiful saying that GOD gave her, “Love yourself no matter who you are.”