Value
We all have a desire inside of us to have a sense of worth and value. I can’t explain nor do I begin to understand where the feeling of unworthiness and devaluing came from, but I do know that I have felt it my whole life. I never remember a time I got anything I truly deserved. And when I got overlooked and passed by, I said it was okay because there was always someone that needed ‘it’ more. It didn’t matter what ‘it’ was.
From recognition of a job well done, to passing around a tray full of cookies as they would walk right passed me as if I was not there, or to a promotion at work. In my heart I was just not good enough, I didn’t have any value and therefore it made it okay. It was not that I didn’t try. I gave it my ALL. I was the one that was consumed with an 80 hours a week job. I was; what is known as a ‘Pleaser’; I jumped through hoops, within limits to make someone else happy.
The feeling inside me was that I was undeserving of anything and everything! That is why it took me by surprise that God could love me, and give me so much without my even asking. I equate that to a friend who is a billionaire and they see a need; and without you having to ask they supply all your needs. That is what God has done in my life. THIS IS THE POWER OF THE ALL MIGHTY GOD I SERVE!
One huge difference is the things that God did no amount of money can buy. That makes them all the sweeter. God keeps ‘pealing this onion’ (me) back one layer at a time. Sweetly revealing so much to me than I was not even fully aware of. The knowledge and understanding are off the charts, all in the very best of ways. The VERY BEST PART is God is no respecter of persons. What He has done for me He will do for you.
No respecter of persons
“Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons:” Acts 10:34
I am a child of the King, and my father owns the cattle on a thousands hills. I will not turn back. I will keep my feet firmly planted with Jesus. He is the only way.
Child of the King
“Wherefore thou art no more a servant, but a son; and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.” Galatians 4:7
He owns it all
“For every beast of the forest is mine, and the cattle upon a thousand hills.” Psalms 50:10
Rooted & grounded
“That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,” Ephesians 3:17
As I have only just discovered my relationship with my mother has been at the root of my struggles, it dates back over 50 years. As with most all children, we want the love and approval of our parents. I didn’t seem to get that. My daddy worked a lot and was not home much at times, he loved all his children and wanted a dozen. Mother and daddy compromised and from twelve, it became five.
I was the first born; I was to feel the effects of our relationship or lack thereof for my entire life. There have only been a few times in my life, that I didn’t cry when talking to mom. If I did not cry in person, which I tried not to, I would hang up the phone and squall. I was crushed. Why was our relationship so sour? What was I doing wrong that I could not make it work?
The relationship between your parents is special. It is the basis for which all other relationships are formed. I had friends with ‘that’ tight bond with their mother and inside I knew I didn’t have that. I would talk with them and tried to pick their brains; to try and get our relationship to what I call a healthy place. This is something I have done for countless years. Obviously, to no avail. I was determined I could make it work. Never in my life have I had a relationship anywhere close to this.
Just recently, God brought back to my memory the deep feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem from my childhood. You are not good enough to be loved, that was the feeling I was to carry with me my entire life. I wanted to believe that when I got back in church that would be the answer to mending our relationship. That has not happened yet; I have made a BIG enough mess! I will never give up, but admit I do not know what else to do.
My mother is a wonderful person and did the best she could. She has been there at times when I needed her and she has been proud of me for my accomplishments. We simply could not seem to make it work. In my heart, I knew that we had never had a good relationship and I didn’t understand why. Something about the dynamic between us that just won’t work.
I called my mother; I was looking to take another attempt at fixing this relationship. I ask what I had done – “was it breaking one of your bells from your collection?” The answer was “NO”. “Was it writing on the walls with a crayon?” The answer again was “NO”. I said “Mom, I just don’t understand, what did I do?” She answered, “I don’t know, you didn’t do anything”.
With my next question I knew that it could be explosive; she was either going to agree with me or sparks were going to fly. I said Mom, “We have never had a good relationship.” With that her response was to STUN me. She said, “I agree, that is one thing that we both agree on.” Now I ask you how is it possible that I could know? How could I, from the time I was a newborn infant, know that I was not loved and wanted?
All I can say is, I KNEW.
With this last conversation, I was to never cry again regarding my mother. That pain and all tears related to it had been removed by God. I talk with my mother now with no tears. The pain is no longer that horrendous gut wrenching pain. At this point our relationship is not where it should be, yet again I gave it to God. The wonderful thing is I can talk with my mother with no more pain, He took it all away. Do I want an even better relationship? Of course, I do! But, it is now in His mighty hands. I am now free. I am delivered from that horrible grip. The chains have been broken and I am not bound any longer.
Lynn’s recording of 52 Years suffering: 
Womans role as mother & wife
“He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.” Psalms 113:9
“Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.” Psalms 127:3-5
“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Titus 2:4-5
In prayer God revealed to me this morning, May 3, 2011, why the tears. It is because of the EXTREME joy and happiness in my soul that I have found favor with Him and He truly loves me.
HE KNOWS MY NAME and HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME!
I have shied away from mentioning the fact that the tears are not an occasional tear. But the HUGE crocodile tears, and generally a boat load of them with each cry. I was unable to go to church and not cry A LOT! I was happy and would have a huge smile on my face yet, I couldn’t understand why I continued to shed these GINORMOUS CROCODILE TEARS.
As I began to understand, I could not control the tears. Bill would always make sure to put a fresh hankie in my handbag because when I was in God’s house the tears WERE going to flow. It was not just at church I would cry; I shed TONS of tears at home too.
Thanks to God, I now have an understanding EVEN to my tears.
He has given me a peace the likes of which I don’t know how to explain. It all stems back to my relationship with my mother. That longing and hunger for that love and God HIMSELF filled the VOID in my heart. HE became my much needed mother!
God becomes our parent
“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.” Psalms 27:10
That does not diminish the love I have for my mother, I still love her very much. She herself is fraught and doesn’t have all the answers either.
We sometimes tend to think that because they are our parents they are right or maybe because they are older. That is not necessarily true. Being older does give you some wisdom that the younger ones have not yet acquired. However, that does not mean they hold all the keys. They are only human and we ALL have our frailties.
I love my mother with all my heart and will never stop loving her, or never stop trying on our relationship. But that tremendous need for love, God saw fit to not only give to me, but the understanding to it as well.
I now found that I really don’t know anything. That confidant self assured person I was, when at the top of my game, had with a long journey been transformed. I once felt I had the tiger by the tail, that feeling now long gone. God is NOW in complete control of my destiny.
All I know for certain, is the love I had longed for, 52 years was being met by the ALL MIGHTY GOD HIMSELF!
It was not until just recently that God had caused me to be more aware of something I had taken for granted in a way. Not that I take God for granted but, that the way I feel inside. I was speaking to someone and it was said how they wish they could have that feeling all the time with every service.
That is when I realized not everyone has what I have; and that I truly have been so richly blessed by God. That is His immense presence that I feel every single day of my life now. I no longer have to wait until the next service to feel the presence and power of God. It is something that lives in me continually. That was when I began to understand that the importance of our walk with God.
No one determines our walk with God but us; we are the makers of our own destiny. We decide how close we want our walk to be. The deeper the walk the closer we are to God translates into more prayer, fasting, and reading the bible. No one can determine how much time you give to God but you, and the more you are willing to give to God the more He will richly bless you. One thing is for certain you can never out give God. The more you give Him the more He will give you back. I call it the circle of love.
Never out give God
“Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.” Luke 6:38